The Burden of an Angel
by ilovecastiel18
Summary: After the events of "Moriah," after Dean, Sam, and Cas defeat all the creatures coming after them, Dean and Cas get into a fight. Cas is angry at Dean because he had given up on Jack, Dean is mad because Cas hadn't told them about Jack losing his soul, causing Mary to be killed. They make up at the end. Hurt/Comfort, angst, family. Mild language warning. One-Shot.


**Disclaimer:** Supernatural, its plotlines, and its characters are all property of the CW and the show's writers. I probably wouldn't be worth only $7 and a bottle of pop if I was actually involved with the show, so it's really not worth the effort to sue me, even if I would love to actually meet Misha Collins.

**Summary: **After the events of "Moriah," after Dean, Sam, and Cas defeat all the creatures coming after them, Dean and Cas get into a fight. Cas is angry at Dean because he had given up on Jack, Dean is mad because Cas hadn't told them about Jack losing his soul, causing Mary to be killed. They make up at the end. Hurt/Comfort, angst, family. Mild language warning. One-Shot.

**A/N: **I haven't watched "Moriah" in months, and I have no internet connection where I'm writing this story, so I don't remember exactly what Chuck set on the boys to attack them. That's why I'm pretty vague in describing them, I apologize.

….

The Burden of an Angel

….

Jack was gone.

That was the only thought running through Castiel's mind as he sat in the graveyard, surrounded by dead bodies.

Only one of those bodies mattered to him.

As Sam and Dean finished off the remaining creatures that were attacking them, Castiel kneeled down next to Jack's body, cradling his head against his chest. Holding him as tightly as he could. He felt tears threatening to spill from his eyes as his fingers scrambled for a pulse that he knew wouldn't be there.

Jack was gone. God had killed him, and there was nothing Castiel could do about it.

As Sam shot the final creature in the head, Dean looked down at him in sympathy, which made Castiel feel as if a hot coal had been dropped directly onto his heart.

"I'm sorry, Cas." He muttered, looking down at the ground.

Castiel sniffed, refusing to look Dean in the eye. The truth was: he was angry. He was angrier than he had been in a long time. After everything that had happened, everything they had went through together – as a family – Dean had given up on Jack. He had chosen to lock him in a box, almost shoot him in the head, instead of trying to help him.

It was true that, in the end, Dean hadn't shot Jack. But that didn't make any difference. His actions had landed them in this graveyard, where God had killed their surrogate son and tried to kill them as well.

Dean's cynicism had killed Jack.

"Are you alright?" Dean muttered again.

Castiel sniffed again.

"We all lost someone today, Cas. Not just you." Dean snapped.

And suddenly, Castiel was on his feet, hands clenched in fists and teeth barred in a snarl.

"How could you… how dare you?!" Castiel yelled, advancing on his friend.

"He meant something to us too!" Dean yelled back.

"He meant nothing to you! You gave up on him! You tried to lock him in a box instead of helping him, you were willing to shoot him in the head! So don't you fucking dare tell me that you lost someone too, because he was nothing to you compared to what he was to me!"

"He was like a son to me too!" Dean barked.

Castiel saw a flash of red and willed himself to back off before he swung at his friend. He wasn't willing to lose Dean too, no matter how angry he felt at the surly hunter.

"Just stop, Dean." Castiel bent and lifted Jack into his arms, cradling him against his chest. He felt his hands start to tremble as he felt the dead weight of Jack's body hanging limp in his arms.

"You don't get to tell me how I feel. Even though he killed my mother, I still cared about him."

"I'm sure." Castiel muttered, making his way over to where their vehicles were parked.

"You don't understand, Cas. He killed my mother! I had the right to be angry!"

At this, Castiel whipped around, tightening his grip on the body in his arms so he wouldn't lash out. "I don't understand?" he whispered, his voice dangerously low. When Dean had said that, Castiel simultaneously felt another hot surge of anger and felt all of his energy drain out of him like water through a strainer.

"No, you don't." Dean replied flatly.

Castiel felt another flash of anger, felt his hands tighten on Jack's body of their own accord so he wouldn't lash out. He hadn't felt this angry at one of the brothers in… ever. "Do you know who I am, Dean? Do you remember?" Castiel questioned quietly. "I'm a fucking angel! I'm been alive since the beginning of time, and almost every single being I've ever known has died!" Castiel took a deep breath, allowing some of his anger to recede. "How many angels are left? Five? Six? Every single being I have _ever _known has died and left me. Since I met the two of you, I've had to live with the fact that one day you were going to die and I will be alone again.

"So don't you fucking _dare _tell me that I don't understand the loss of your mother, because I understand loss better than any other being in the entire universe." Castiel was breathing heavily, clinging tightly to Jack's body.

"Cas, she was my mother…"

"My Father abandoned me!" Castiel yelled, cutting Dean off mid-argument. "I've lived my entire life trying to follow in the footsteps of God without ever knowing Him. And then I did meet Him, and I've had to live with the fact that he's cruel and cowardly, and not at all who I thought He was."

"Alright, alright." Dean held his hands up in surrender. "I understand."

"No, you really don't." By this time, Sam had come over to watch the argument, listening instead of giving input to the conversation. "You could never understand."

"Everyone I've ever known has died too, Cas! Everyone but you and Sam, Jody and Donna, and new Bobby. Everyone."

"Yes, but you also get to live with the fact that, one day, you'll go to Heaven and get to live in a happy little world where everything is to your liking. You'll get to see Sam and your parents and whoever else you want, get to eat hamburgers and drink beer and drive the Impala around all day, every day.

"I, on the other hand, will live until I'm killed, permanently, and I'll spend the rest of eternity asleep in the Empty. I don't get the luxury of life after death, Dean. When you're gone, I'll never see you again. I'll be alone, just like I've always been. You have no idea how lonely life as an angel can be. Jack was so special to me because he was part angel, which meant that he wouldn't leave me unless he was killed. He wouldn't die of old age. And suddenly, I knew that I wouldn't have to spend eternity alone. He could stay with me. Once the two of you were gone, we could travel the universe. And then he lost his powers and died, and then he came back, and then he regained his powers and ate away his soul. And now he's dead again, with no way of coming back."

"Cas…" Dean started to say.

"Meeting the two of you was a _godsend._ I finally had a reason to live, finally had a different perspective to see that my fellow angels weren't all they were meant to be. They were cruel and cunning. And I had been too. And then I met the two of you, and I found a reason to care. But caring meant hurting, because you two will be _gone _one day. Jack was different, he could be there with me throughout eternity.

"So, I'm sorry that Jack killed your mom. I really am. Mary was a phenomenal person, and I will miss her. But, I told you she was happy with your father in Heaven. Jack and I don't get the same courtesy. He's gone. And I'll be alone until I am too." Castiel tightened his grip on Jack, feeling tears threaten to spill once again when he felt Jack head bump into the spot where his own unnecessary heart beat.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I am. I still think I have the right to be angry at Jack, but I was wrong to take that out on you." Dean cautiously stepped forward and patted Castiel on the shoulder, gripping it tightly when a tear spilled from the angel's eye. "I'm sorry."

Sam stepped forward and carefully took Jack's body out of Castiel's arms so the angel wouldn't drop him, refusing to look down at his burnt-out eyes for fear of breaking down himself.

He had wanted Jack stopped, but he had never wanted him dead.

Castiel's silent tears turned into sobs, and Dean awkwardly pulled him into his chest, letting the angel bury his face in his flannel-clad shoulder and weep. Castiel's arms snaked around Dean's waist, his hands fisting in the hunter's flannel as he clung to the only thing keeping him grounded as he rode out his emotions.

_How could God do this? How could he kill an innocent child? Jack was only two years old; he didn't deserve to die. God could have _saved _him…_

Castiel felt one of Dean's hands make its way into his messy hair, his thumb sweeping over the soft hairs at the base of his neck. The other hand was stroking along his spine.

Despite all of his yelling and complaining earlier, Castiel was firm in his belief that Sam and Dean were the best things that ever happened to him. He couldn't imagine his life without them in it.

He heard Sam walk away to take Jack's body to the car and clung to Dean even harder. He heard the hunter muttering things in his ear. Even though he couldn't make out what he was saying, he was comforted nonetheless.

Eventually, he calmed down enough to pull away from Dean's embrace, wiping at the tears on his cheeks and walking away in embarrassment. He hadn't meant to… you know… sob all over Dean's shoulder. He felt his face flush with shame as he attempted to get as far away from the hunter as possible.

Dean caught up to him quickly, placing a hand lightly on his shoulder to stop him from moving farther away.

"It's… um… it's okay, Cas. You don't have to be… I'm here for you, no matter what. We're brothers." Dean muttered awkwardly.

Without turning around to look at Dean, refusing to let the hunter see the tears still lingering in his eyes, or the blush that was still adorning his cheeks, Castiel patted the hand on his shoulder in a way that said he understood, then walked away toward the car.

Jack was gone, there was no denying that. Castiel felt another surge of despair as he caught a glimpse of Jack's body in the back of the Impala. He still found himself asking why God would do something like this – kill an innocent child when he had the ability to save him.

Castiel had lost a lot of things. He had lost people, angels, faith in his Father… but at least he still had Sam and Dean.


End file.
